Hello. Ragdoll here.

Andrea gave me some time and space to talk a few weeks ago, and she’s decided it might be a good thing to have a check in every couple of months, for my side of our story. We’re coming into June, about halfway into the year, and half a year into her coming out, that it seemed like a good time for a Ragdoll Check In. Hopefully, this doesn’t come across as being a terrible time. The last six months have been just as fascinating as it’s been harried. And it’s nice to have a friend, even if I don’t ever really see her.

The first three months of my life, not counting Andrea, were already nuts. I was coming off a very bad vacation, leading into time with my family, which is always problematic. Once they left, I dove straight into a new job I didn’t like, that completely changed my schedule, and took hours away from me. And now I had to share my time with a whole different person. And when she was out, I was…not available. Sometimes I’m awake, but don’t have enough brainpower to make more than a word or two. I’m “snoozing” or “ragdolling” as she puts it. So time suddenly became very tight. And all my volunteer and employment time was taking over my now meager hours.

It took some time, but eventually, I found a nice equilibrium. I’m a habitual scheduler to keep my life in order. And I decided this was something I could do to help the both of us: schedule our time. Eventually I finagled a way where she can be out, then I can be out, and it’s roughly the same amount of time (if you don’t count my employment as “my” time). It wasn’t easy to get there…but early on, things just weren’t working for the both of us, and I needed to do something.

There was a time, about one month in where I was driving home from an appointment, and suddenly just pulled over and cried. Our schedule at the time was that she had the day, and I had the night. And for the first time in a while, I saw the sun. And it hit me then. “This was the first time I’d seen the sun in a long time. Because I’m a ragdoll for a few hours everyday and someone else is running around in my body. And I’m just…stuck in the corner.” It was a feeling of defeat, but also, acceptance. I wasn’t happy, but it was what we were going to be doing moving forward. Since then, we’ve found a nice equilibrium.

It took me a long while to accept Andrea into my life. I remember having trouble accepting little “time warps” where hours passed I couldn’t account for. The little clues around the house showing me that she’d been out. Thankfully, most of them were cute things, like stacking things where I could see them. Things in the trash that told a story of what she’d done that day. Stuff being moved around conspicuously. I remember buying her some coffee and she didn’t like it, so she arranged the coffee pods into the word “No.” I bought a ragdoll for myself…mainly as a way to accept myself as an internal unmoving barely-thinking “Ragdoll” when she was out. And she started putting it around the house in little poses that were adorable. It’s like having a poltergeist who was more interested in fun than throwing things around the house. In fact, I called her a poltergeist and a “spoop” in our early days. She told me she doesn’t like being called that, so I’ve since stopped, and now she’s just my invisible roommate.

There was another moment that bothered me, and involved Andrea sharing pictures with Taylor. One of them showed my hand reaching for a shower knob. She’d taken it as a joke, but seeing “my” arm turning the knob and not remembering doing that bothered me. “I don’t remember doing that” I said to Taylor. She responded, “you didn’t.” I may be getting better about accepting this and her, but there are still moments.

The only thing I’ve worried about, and we had a talk about this, is that she needs to think of me when she takes chances. A hike that went off trail injured us a few weeks ago. And if I’d had to have come out, I wouldn’t know where I was or how to get back. She understood the dangers, and even apologized for what she’d done BEFORE I came back out. But it wasn’t bad, just a reminder that I’m asleep when she’s out, and I’m not always aware of what’s what when I come out. I want her to explore, to be curious and learn. Just…be careful.

That said, I’ve come to depend on her. We’re a team, I told her. And she’s taken it to heart. She does her best to help me, I do my best to help her. Working together as roommates in a house who never see each other. I feed Mister Crow when she can’t. She leaves me dinner leftovers when she goes out. We share the food we make. I offer advice and materials when I can. We leave notes for each other for quick updates. And she does little special things that tell me she thinks about me. Like waking up in the car to drive home with a cold soda in the cup holder. She doesn’t drink soda – she bought that for me.

We’re good for each other. At lease I hope I am. I know she is.

I just wish time didn’t fly so quickly. We’re six months into 2025. But really, for me? And her? It’s been three.

Also, I wish I didn’t come out to the aftertaste of coffee in my mouth. Can’t stand coffee. 🙂

–Ragdoll