Good morning, Taylor.

I’m writing so quickly after my last letter because I’ve had something on my mid all day. It’s something that’s been bothering me for a while.

I spent the last twenty five years inside. There are hundreds of us there. Always talking, always interacting. It’s very energizing and has been all that time for me. Probably because we all get along very well and have a purpose to our existence, even if people haven’t seen it.

While being out and being real has been amazing, it’s also been very lonely.

You, Didi and Ragdoll have really told me why I need to be a secret, and I understand it. But I don’t like it. Being in a crowd on a beach is great. Having coffee in the shop with other people is amazing But at the same time, I’m not with anyone. I’m listening to others while I read. I’m watching others while I have my coffee. I feel like all I do is eat and read alone sometimes.

For once I feel alone in a crowd.

You’ve suggested that I try making friends in The Other Place, and I have! But the people I meet there rarely have the best intentions. And some that I do want more from me than I’m willing to give. Outside of you and Shikomi, I don’t really talk with anyone else, or if I do, it’s to ward off someone hitting on me.

It’s been bothering me a lot, because my time outside has affected my time inside. I talk about what I do out there to the others, and outside of The Oracle, no one really cares. They’re just not interested. I’m becoming alone in that crowd, too.

I even started looking into who and what we are, and Ragdoll suggested I stop because the sites I was going to weren’t reputable. I was hoping to find community there.

We’re all secrets. And I understand that. But I need to share. And I can’t. I’m not like Ragdoll who can spend days not talking to another person and enjoys it. Even the little snippets I share with people on the street excite me, because it’s connection.

Last night, I woke Ragdoll up from her sleep, which I know she hated. But I wanted to talk to her about being lonely, and how it was making me sad. We had a little talk,since it was the best she could do on a few hours of sleep. She told me what the problem was.

I’m not lonely, I just don’t have many friends I can share my life with. And even those I can share with, I’m lying to in order to protect Ragdoll and even myself. I know you worry about me going away, and I won’t. But of all the things I’m having trouble living with in this new life, it’s loneliness and secrecy.

I hope I can learn to live with that loneliness without becoming a hermit like Ragdoll.

–Andrea