Happy lunchtime, Taylor.

It’s a cool gray day today. My phone said it might rain soon, so we’ll see how long I can write before I run out of dry.

Ragdoll continues to be busy, but is trying hard to give me my time out. I had all last night because she had eaten a lot of time in the last few days. But I had to do something for her. I had to take a shower.

I really didn’t want to do that, At all. But she said I had to do it if I wanted the night at all. She needs me to start taking care of myself on days when she’s not out, because she doesn’t like the body anymore than I do, and really doesn’t want to be the only person to do. I delayed it and delayed it and delayed it until I found a way I could do it. Turn off all the lights. I don’t have to see anything to shower if I know where everything is. And not only did it work, that shower was wonderful. The shower head was like a massage and the water was so warm. It felt like a great big hug. She’s going to give me tonight, too, so I might do the shower again. I like it! Still don’t like the other bodystuff though.

It was one of those moments where you convinced me I need to stop sharing everything in the moment, and enjoy the moment. If I want the slow life, I should enjoy the slow life. And I do. But there’s a lot of new things for me. Some I want to celebrate. And all I have to celebrate them is you. And that made me think.

My attempts to reach out aren’t going well, and I have the feeling I’m going to be very lonely for a very long time. I’ll keep reaching out, living in the moment, living the slow life. But I don’t know if there will be many people in that life. All I have right now is you and a few others. Didi and Ragdoll seem to love the alone life. I really don’t. But all I can do is reach out and keep trying. Even if I’m limited to where and how I can do it.

I plan to go to town Saturday or Sunday. Ragdoll has a thing she’s going to during the day, and the night. I’m hoping I get a little time in there. My book is at the library, and she wants me to see morning life, which is really different, she says. I would like that, but I also want to see the forests again. I think I’m going to ask her for that next week. The slow life. I can spend time with The Oracle too. She likes the woods, too.

I want to see so much, and I can do it with the little window on the laptop or my phone. But it’s still just a picture. I hope to go out and see them myself. With “my own” eyes.

I might watch a movie tonight. I have chores to do, but the time keeps getting squished down. I don’t do them if there’s no time, and Ragdoll seems fine with it. She’ll do some of them if she has the time. Which is rarely. But she does them.

It’s been almost four months since I came out. And we’re still adjusting. I wonder if we’ll spend the rest of time adjusting.

–Andrea