Good Morning Taylor,

Bananas and coffee go together real well. I added half the milk I usually do to the coffee and now its really creamy and tasty. I think I found my not-so-sweet spot.

It’s been a very busy week since the airplane flight. That was one of the nicest days of my real life.

I wasn’t out for a while the next two days because Ragdoll was super busy, but she wanted to make it up to me by taking me downtown and to have a day all to myself. I still am not sure about driving, so she would have to come out to drive, but we’ve been practicing switching for short times.

I went for breakfast at a place that had a menu so huge I couldn’t decide what I wanted. I asked the waiter to check back with me twice before I panicked and picked something. It was a nice scramble eggs skillet. I don’t know a whole lot about what’s out there, and there was so much I just couldn’t decide. What if I didn’t like it? What if it hurt us? But it was good, and there were no regrets. Pick something and go with it!

After that I finally got a library card like you suggested. I want to finish Alice in Wonderland, so I looked for it there but they didn’t have it. I decided I would finish the book on the phone until I could get a copy as a book.

Then I went to a coffee place. Its funny how much of my life revolves around coffee. It was this really nice house surrounded by other houses that had been turned into shops. The coffee was really good and there were a lot of people. But I was sad. All alone in a crowd. I also missed a chance to use my real name. I used Ragdoll’s because I had to use a credit card, but they never checked it. I really want someone to call me by my name.

And then things went bad. I had little time before sunset when I would need to take Ragdoll out to drive us back home and went to a local park. It wasn’t a good looking park and looked like it had a lot of damage. But it was nice to just sit and relax and enjoy the atmosphere. And then the police came. The Ragdoll got very very very anxious and tried taking over. And this time I put her in and left. She dealt with it.

I got very scared after that. But someone made trouble, and she had to deal with it. I felt really bad about that, but she told me it wasn’t my fault, I wasn’t doing anything wrong. And it was all okay. But I wasn’t okay. I don’t want to be any trouble. But I am. I take time away from her. I get into things that she has to fix. She’s still very uneasy with me no matter what she tells me. And I started having a lot of second thoughts about being out.

Then we found out someone very important she knows lives in that town, and wants to get together the next time we go. And now I have to move towns because if this person figures out I’m someone else it could be bad. We’ve decided on another town for me, but…I don’t want to be any trouble. And I know I kind of am. I guess she will get her Chinese place back.

I didn’t want to come out for a while, but when I did, I did a lot of work around the house, just to make up for all the trouble I cause her. Later, while she was at her friend’s house, she took me out while they walked their dog. Just so I could feel safe somewhere else. I know I need to go to them if anything happens to Ragdoll, but they don’t know me. She just said they care enough not to care. But we won’t tell them anything yet. If ever. I don’t want to be any trouble but I know I am.

We had a big talk the other day about how we will need to change how we present ourselves. If I want to be out more, I need to pretend to be her. I really don’t want that. I’m me. Andrea. Not Ragdoll. But you and Didi say now one cares about the inside. Just the outside. And even I had to call you Didi in The Online Place. I will have to get used to being called Ragdoll I guess. But if we can find a safe town, I can be me. She gave me $100 so I don’t need to use the card and her name. Maybe I’ll find a nice coffee house in the new town where someone can call my name. 🙂

I spent a few days inside again. I tried The Online Place a few times and it was lonely. Last night, thought I came out, and Didi helped me look more real. She was really helpful and I’m glad, because she was unhappy last night. I hope helping me made her happy because I really appreciated all the help. She even bought me a new body there, and I paid for the face. Ragdoll said her wallet was my wallet because she never uses money there. If I need more (I will) I hope she’ll accept my real cash for the in world money.

I just finished my coffee, but I’m almost done with my story. I did something very important last night. And Didi approved. I finally looked into a mirror. I didn’t like what I saw. Not at all. But when I move my arm, the reflection’s arm moves. And I know what my arms look like. But it’s very disturbing to look into the mirror and not see your reflection and I don’t like it at all. But like Didi told me later, “Your eyes are behind the eyes that you see.” This will take some time to get used to.

But I made my decision. Being real is more important than being me. And if I have to pretend to be her to be real, then I will pretend. I’m real. And real is more important.

–Andrea